Quotable Quips

In which I amass my favorite phrases from the fictional and real.

Bender, being god isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch…When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

God Entity, Futurama

Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.

Winston S. Churchill

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin…but what good does that do me?

Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Asian people, we treat our children like we treat our garlic. They never enough.

Uncle Roger

People have tried to corner the market on being offended, corner the market on language and corner the market on opinion. Should I lose my job 'cause I offended somebody? No, of course not. Your life should never be affected by public opinion.

Patrice O'Neal

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain!

Dolly Parton

Thieves, the Goddamn lot of you! Thieves and leeches! Fucking vampires sucking the will from people whose only crimes were to be frightened and tired! And you don't help them! You don't listen to them! They get no truth from you! All you do is scare them with stories of something that doesn't exist! And you bastards are winning! Hundreds more of you every day! Getting away with it in a place so noisy that no one could hear the truth if it were ever told…and I can't fight you alone you fucks, couldn't when I was a kid and dad went cultist and I can't now…all I can do is tell the truth.

Spider Jerusalem, Transmetropolitan

If I had all the money in the world...oh wait, I do! Mwahahaha!

Mom, Futurama

Orion: Now I understand. You play the fool to hide a warrior's pain.
Flash: Dude, the bad guys went down and nobody got hurt. You know what I call that? A really good day.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Groucho Marx

Twitter is a bathroom wall. Why would I write my thoughts on a bathroom wall?

Dave Chappelle

I often warn people: 'Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no 'I' in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an 'I' in independence, individuality and integrity.

George Carlin

Timmy's Dad: My dreams were shattered years ago.
Timmy Turner: How many years ago?
Timmy's Dad: How old are you?

You don't need to be defined by your job.

Weird Al

Marge Simpson: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer Simpson: Never! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about 'what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?'

Don't torture yourself, Gomez; that's my job.

Morticia Addams, The Addams Family

In order to be able to make it, you have to put aside the fear of failing and the desire of succeeding. You have to do these things completely and purely without fear, without desire. Because things that we do without lust of result are the purest actions we shall ever take.

Alan Moore

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